He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he intends to control his ultimate victim. He uses the exact same mechanisms and devices. One type of control by proxy would be to engineer situations where abuse is inflicted upon someone else. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, as well as physical punishment) against the casualty.
Abusers frequently use others to do their dirty work in their opinion. These – occasionally unwitting – accomplices belong to three groups:
I. The abuser’s social milieu
Some offenders – mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies – coopt other members of the family, friends, and co-workers into aiding and abetting their abusive actions. In extraordinary instances, the sufferer is held “hostage” – isolated and with little or no access to funds or transfer. Frequently, the couple’s kids are used as bargaining chips or leverage. Surrounding abuse by the abuser’s family, family, kith, and village or area is wild.
II. The casualty’s social milieu
The abuser offers a plausible interpretation of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others seldom have the opportunity to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. On the other hand, the casualties in many cases are on the brink of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.
The victim’s acts of self defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health issue.
III. The System
Socially isolating and excluding the sufferer by discrediting her through a campaign of malicious gossips. Harassing the sufferer by utilizing others to stalk her or by charging her with violations she failed to perpetrate.
Triggering the casualty into competitive as well as anti-social actions with others endanger her or her nearest and dearest. Colluding with others to leave the sufferer determined by the abuser. But, by far, her kids are the abuser’s largest way to obtain influence over his abused partner or partner.